Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication is a method developed by Marshall Rosenberg. The focus is to "fully value everyone's well being, and to create a certain quality of connection where everyone’s needs can be met through natural giving"[2].
What problem does this solve
Violent communication can also be thought of as a "tragic expression of unmet needs". When people lash out with violence (emotional in this case), they are trying to get a need met and are doing so in a way that is likely not going to be heard.
NVC is trying to transform these tragic expressions of unmet needs into clear, direct, and actionable communication.
Method (Asking)
The goal is to express our needs clearly and effectively, with direct asks for help to meet those needs. In everything, be as honest and forthright as is possible. This is extremely important!!
NVC statements can be categorized as the following:
State an observation of what happened
This observation needs to be of a single, real instance. Instead of "when you yell at me", use "When you raised your voice at me last night". Instead of "You never listen to me", consider what in the recent interaction left you feeling unheard; try to pinpoint the exact action that occurred.
We often wrap events up in interpretation, accusation, or spin. This must be avoided! We can't know what is going on inside of people and to presume takes people's autonomy and sovereignty away. Treat them with the same magnanimity and grace that you wish to be given.
When people feel they are being accused, blamed, or manipulated, they get defensive to try and protect themselves. This can lead to violent responses or escalations. We want to minimize this.
Express your feelings
Keep this to feelings that are true and honest. Consider the big three emotions: happy, angry, sad. Where does your feeling fall within those three? Dig deep until you find the clearest possible word for your feeling that is free of any story or interpretation. The feeling you are having is entirely yours and should be free from others at this point.
Say what you need
This need is the crux of why the specific event triggered the feeling.
- "When you raised your voice at me last night, I felt scared because I have a need to feel safe when having a conversation."
- "When you did not do the dishes last week after I asked you to do them, I felt angry because I have a need for my time and requests to be respected."
Make a request
When a request is made, it is not a demand or ultimatum. It is a request. All requests can be accepted, denied, or negotiated. This must be the truth! If you are actually expressing an ultimatum or demand, you are not allowing the sovereignty to your partner that you desire yourself and they will likely react violently.
Examples
- "When you raised your voice at me last night, I felt scared because I have a need to feel safe when having a conversation. Next time we have an argument, will you please keep your voice at a normal speaking volume?"
- "When you did not do the dishes last week after I asked you to do them, I felt angry because I have a need for my time and requests to be respected. Next time I ask you to do a chore, can you be honest about whether or not you will be able to do it within the timeframe I asked?"
Method (Listening)
There is a second part of NVC that I find extremely useful. When listening to others who are speaking with emotional violence, it is easy to shut down and respond with violence in turn. But we can help our partner find the elements listed above and help develop their NVC statement for them.
Most important, if you feel unsafe, leave and find safety. If the other person is emotionally deregulated, it may be best to ask for some time to cool down before coming back together.
First, you need to listen. Do not speak unless space is given.
When given a chance to speak, your goal is to determine what their feelings are and why they are feeling this way. Essentially, you want to try and discover the feeling that they are having, and the incident that occurred or the need that is not being met. You will fail at guessing. But you must try, and you must believe them when they say if you are correct or not.
I usually try and frame these as "Do you feel X because of Y?" It is super open ended and allows them a full response. Like the above, these asks should be without interpretation, spin, or accusation. They should also assume the best of intentions and truthfulness of your partner.
For instance, let's say that they are frustrated and telling you that you never do anything around the house. When given a chance to speak, you might ask them:
- "Do you feel angry because I did not do the dishes when you asked?"
- "Are you anxious because you need a clean house to feel calm?"
- "Do you feel frustrated because you are doing the majority of the chores?"
Once this is asked, you will likely be told no and then further clarification will be given. Take this clarification and try again until you have discovered the exact issue at hand.
Once you have this information, ask them if they have an idea of an action or request that could help them meet that need. Or you can ask them if you can try and come up with an action that would help them get that need met. Again, you will likely be met with a "no that won't work", or even a "I don't need you to do this." But you must try!
References
Last modified: 202512190618