Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent communication is a method developed by Marshall Rosenberg. The focus is to "fully value everyone's well being, and to create a certain quality of connection where everyone’s needs can be met through natural giving"[2].

With NVC, all you can hear is the only things humans are ever saying: "please" and "thank you".[3]

What problem does this solve

Violent communication can also be thought of as a "tragic expression of unmet needs". When people lash out with violence (emotional in this case), they are trying to get a need met and are doing so in a way that is likely not going to be heard.

NVC is trying to transform these tragic expressions of unmet needs into clear, direct, and actionable communication.

You won't be able to talk about strategies until you are connected at the heart level. If you can't hear and repeat back the other's needs, you can't move forward.

Method (Asking)

The goal is to express our needs clearly and effectively, with direct asks for help to meet those needs. In everything, be as honest and forthright as is possible. This is extremely important!!

Constructing your ask

NVC statements can be categorized as the following:

State an observation of what happened

Ask yourself "what is one observable behavior that this person did". This observation needs to be of a single, real instance. Instead of "when you yell at me", use "When you raised your voice at me last night". Instead of "You never listen to me", consider what in the recent interaction left you feeling unheard; try to pinpoint the exact action that occurred.

We need to separate the action from the judgment. We often wrap actions or events up in interpretation, accusation, or spin. This must be avoided! We can't know what is going on inside of people and to presume takes people's autonomy and sovereignty away. Treat them with the same magnanimity and grace that you wish to be given.

"He has a big mouth" is an insult, not an observation. Nobody is asking about how big their mouth is.
"He talks too much" is a judgment, not an observation. There is no right amount of talking, in this instance.
"He thinks he is the only person with anything worth saying" is an interpretation and also what you think, not an observation.
"He wants to be the center of attention all the time" is a diagnosis and again what you think, not an observation.

When people feel they are being accused, blamed, or manipulated, they get defensive to try and protect themselves. This can lead to violent responses or escalations. We want to minimize this.

Express your feelings

Keep this to feelings that are true and honest. Consider the big three emotions: happy, angry, sad. Where does your feeling fall within those three? Dig deep until you find the clearest possible word for your feeling that is free of any story or interpretation. The feeling you are having is entirely yours and should be free from others at this point.

Say what you need

This need is the crux of why the specific event triggered the feeling.

"When you raised your voice at me last night, I felt scared because I need to feel safe when having a conversation."
"When you did not do the dishes last week after I asked you to do them, I felt angry because I need to feel supported."

The need should not include another person. "I need you to XYZ" is not a need, that's a request. You must have a solid explainable need.

Make a request

When a request is made, it is not a demand or ultimatum. It is a request. All requests can be accepted, denied, or negotiated. This must be the truth! If you are actually expressing an ultimatum or demand, you are not allowing the sovereignty to your partner that you desire yourself and they will likely react violently.

Ask for what you want. Asking for what we don't want is not a good strategy. If you ask someone to stop tapping their pen on the table, they may just move to tapping their fingers. There are infinite ways to not do something and people may guess wrong to get your need met. Be clear and honest!

Examples

"When you raised your voice at me last night, I felt scared because I need to feel safe when having a conversation. Next time we have an argument, will you please keep your voice at a normal speaking volume?"
"When you did not do the dishes last week after I asked you to do them, I felt angry because I need to feel supported. Next time I ask you to do a chore, can you be honest about whether or not you will be able to do it within the timeframe I asked?"

Method (Listening)

There is a second part of NVC that I find extremely useful. When listening to others who are speaking with emotional violence, it is easy to shut down and respond with violence in turn. But we can help our partner find the elements listed above and help develop their NVC statement for them.

Most important, if you feel unsafe, leave and find safety. If the other person is emotionally deregulated, it may be best to ask for some time to cool down before coming back together.

First, you need to listen. Do not speak unless space is given.

When given a chance to speak, your goal is to determine what their feelings are and why they are feeling this way. Essentially, you want to try and discover the feeling that they are having, and the incident that occurred or the need that is not being met. You will fail at guessing. But you must try, and you must believe them when they say if you are correct or not.

I usually try and frame these as "Do you feel X because of Y?" It is super open ended and allows them a full response. Like the above, these asks should be without interpretation, spin, or accusation. They should also assume the best of intentions and truthfulness of your partner.

For instance, let's say that they are frustrated and telling you that you never do anything around the house. When given a chance to speak, you might ask them:

"Do you feel angry because I did not do the dishes when you asked?"
"Are you anxious because you need a clean house to feel calm?"
"Do you feel frustrated because you are doing the majority of the chores?"

Once this is asked, you will likely be told no and then further clarification will be given. Take this clarification and try again until you have discovered the exact issue at hand.

Once you have this information, ask them if they have an idea of an action or request that could help them meet that need. Or you can ask them if you can try and come up with an action that would help them get that need met. Again, you will likely be met with a "no that won't work", or even a "I don't need you to do this." But you must try!

Responding to an ask

Now that we have figured out what someone is asking for, we can respond. If you do not want to or cannot meet their ask, the last thing you want to respond with is "no" or "I can't". We need to respond with our needs that are stopping us from meeting their ask.

All "no"s are tragic expressions of a need.[3]

For instance, if you are asked for help with doing dishes but are in the middle of something at the moment and you have a need to finish it to feel calm, you can respond by saying as much. "I need to finish what I'm doing right now but am happy to come help when I am finished". "No" just leaves the other person with nothing, no connection.

Miscellaneous Notes/Pitfalls

Don't use the word "natural". Instead, use habitual. One person's natural is another person's unnatural, and ultimately this is an appeal to nature fallacy.

References

Last modified: 202602051627